1. |
Baby Teeth
05:02
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I used the last of my powers
trying to sing you to sleep
now there isn’t a thing left for you
and there sure as hell isn’t a thing left for me
we were only apart by three hours
might as well have been weeks
caught in some fraying invisible spiderweb
tying your phone still on speaker to me
and I sat with your breathing
so recently seething
it was mercy to me
I can only halfheartedly blame you
to do what you did
drank red 'till you blacked out
and blew up, look back now —
oh, isn't it funny what gutted me then?
you know, it's alright if you're angry
if that's the closest that you feel to okay,
if you need it to burn through
the memories that hurt you
then darling, I don't wanna stand in your way
but I'm not gonna thank
who you've had to survive
for how you've climbed through the ranks
and still made good on your life
and if when you held me
you only held me in spite
of being built up and torn down again and again
at least hundreds of thousands of times
then I think that's alright
if we'd walked through the same halls,
who you think I'd have been then?
courageous or wasted or ragey or jealous
at who's walking 'round with your baby teeth in them?
but these days, nothing's forgiven
remember me there in your kitchen
in a calorie deficit, wasting away again,
afraid that we would or would not make amends again
but I won't pretend again
we'd last a weekend again
and time cannot mend again
it's just taken a friend again
now my nerves have been julienned
but I know my medicine
and I wanna see you lay into them
wanna do right by you, stand by you, then again
you did fine
giving them lip
bruise on your ribcage, scab on your wrist
motrin tab melting inside of your fist
scream down the hallways, don't settle for this
but back then, you'd already learned not to wince
at all of the teachings you took on the chin
charades of protecting some maimed innocence
and I hate what they did to you
look what I did
so this one's for you, dear
it's all I can do here
in this world a soft, blue sphere
of old bitemarks and new tears
and pity flows through here
and I choke on it too, dear
but didn't we meet here
where you cut your teeth, dear?
where you cut your teeth
down to the pink
left at the bars
rattled in drinks
thrown at the stars
strung up like beads
slid down your arm
buried like seeds
in somebody's heart
turning your cheek
clenching your jaw
brace for the swing
and lean into the fall
take what you need
it's just dark before dawn
if you're starting to bleed
it's just dark before dawn
there's nothing to see
dark before dawn
don't look back for me
it's just dark before dawn
you know you should be free
it's just dark before dawn
don’t bite hands that feed
but when they're done, take the arm
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2. |
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so much could kill me, baby
so few are willing lately
see my old bruises wear thin
you pressed record to my skin
oh, take your pick
take me home
or take me sick
that pinprick deep in my skull
still has me spitting up pulp
it’s how the dark shines through me
what did you think that you’d see?
and have you had enough of it?
if this is home
then home is sick
I'm wondering what I had
was ever like relief
I needed light so bad
but I couldn't take the heat
heard you looked pretty chewed up
when you put those last few nudes up
but like the rest, now I know
you can't be healed and still whole
oh, this is it
if you take me home
then you take me sick
so, I guess this is it
if you take me home
then you take me sick
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3. |
Antibodies
05:18
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I'm a different kind of matter
and the universe will shatter
if you touch me
and all my chemical offenses
bleed through past and present tenses
they come rushing
as those scarlet letter platelets
bubble up to where my face is
catch me blushing
‘cause you could look right through me
like I'm chardonnay and woozy
and it could crush me
yeah, it could crush me
I thought I was only waiting for the vaccine
afraid of showing symptoms even I couldn’t see
but something in me knows you, something in you knows me
you’ve come and gone, we’ve got each other’s antibodies
now I'm inside out and backwards
and you’ll catalyze disaster
if you touch me
it all goes viral in an instant
and you learn to keep your distance
you can trust me
something we can both agree on
skip the fever for the freon
and we’ll feel nothing
I let the water boil in my skull
hold my tongue against a 9-volt
I feel nothing
I feel nothing
I thought I was only waiting for the vaccine
afraid of showing symptoms even I couldn’t see
but something in me knows you, something in you knows me
you’ve come and gone, we’ve got each other’s antibodies
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4. |
Closeness
04:02
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I had a dream, you and I
our particles were recombined
woke up thinking that you had died
refreshed your feeds for signs of life
and you don’t know this do you?
when you’re out there on your own
but if something happened to you
who would know to let me know?
it’s probably fine
this is how it goes sometimes
I guess we always have survived
but darling, even so
they say we’re only pieces
of stars that once exploded
as we’re hurled through the ether
of our perilous devotions
all we know of home is
what our muscle, blood, and bone is
it’s so easy to confuse our common chemicals
for closeness
and I don’t know what I would do
with half the fight inside of you
go finish dinner, start a coup
burn all night, back home by noon
and you don’t know this do you?
it’s just so hard not to care
but if something happened to you
would you even want me there?
it’s probably best
if I don’t hear you say the rest
and I don’t know what happens next
or if it happens to us both
they say we’re only pieces
of stars that once exploded
as we’re hurled through the ether
of our perilous devotions
all we know of home is
what our muscle, blood, and bone is
it’s so easy to confuse our common chemicals
for closeness
so if we can’t be friends
let’s be emergency contacts
emergency contacts
if we can’t be friends
let’s be emergency contacts
emergency contacts
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5. |
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now I've seen the news
it’s written all over you
and you’re so amused
at starting a war by noon
and I'm a fool
to do what you tell me to
when I pledge allegiance
to another red flag
to another red flag
to another red flag
your violent past
and present are overcast
you know I won’t last
but thanks for the laughing gas
fading fast
but oh, darling since you asked
I'll pledge allegiance
to another red flag
to another red flag
to another red flag
do you need a lover?
or do you need a patriot?
someone there to hold your purse
or someone there to hold your gun?
watch you stuff the body bags
and fix your hair for the parade
I don’t know what you thought we had
I watched you throw it all away
I just want to believe so bad
in all the things you make me say
oh, but hey
I'm still better off this way
you know I won’t make
it out on my own for a day
I'm amazed
just by how much it takes
when I pledge allegiance
to another red flag
to another red flag
to another red flag
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6. |
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see through me tonight
with the eyes of a storm
I'll leave on my light
you’ll darken my door
I'll open my heart
to be quartered and canned
now I'm in your arms
and you’re out of my hands
this moment of weakness
has dragged on for days into weeks
I keep going to pieces
wondering if it’s only me
and I know it’s just a feeling
flooding the back of my brain
but you’re glowing on the ceiling
and I can’t make myself turn away
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7. |
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you part the red and plastic sea of solo cups on couple’s night
and you say, “my body is a temple” and I said, “to miller lite”
I poured mine out in a potted plant and you asked if I was fine
I said “I guess it’s not my scene”
and you said, “god, I hope you’re right”
“because as far as I can tell
all these people won’t be long
they’re secretly afraid that hell
was real all along
and they’re all scared to die
because they don’t know how it feels
and then they’ll waste their afterlives
wondering why they’ve never healed”
then you disappeared to probably find some bathroom drugs
to do beside the vinyl shower curtain printed “live, laugh, love”
and you know I hate to hear that bathtub ring around your lungs
but you tell me not to worry, yeah, you tell me loosen up
you say,
“as far as I can tell
we’re only barely substance
so don’t be afraid of hell
it’s just the town that you grew up in
I'm not scared to die
I'll just go back to being nothing
I don’t need no afterlife
I think I've had enough of this one”
“so hush, now, now —
run along, the night is thick
with hearts to break and bones to pick
but still somehow
I just want out my misery
and you want me to let you in?”
I said, “look around
at all you trembling mortal hypocrites
just trying to disengage the fastest
if we leave right now
we’ll drive past flowers on the guardrails
and ribbons on the overpasses
flowers on the guardrails
and ribbons on the overpasses
flowers on the guardrails
sometimes I can barely stand it”
the stars are soda water bubbles splashed across a nylon dress
too dim to read the tattoo polygraphed across your chest
but I guess I still had reason to believe you when you said
“it’s gonna be alright” and when I tried to shake my head you told me,
“I can’t even tell
if life’s too short or long
I know loving me is hell
I know loving you is wrong
but try not to waste tonight
on only wondering what’s in store
‘cause when we reach the afterlife
you know we’ve seen it all before”
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8. |
Organs
03:29
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9. |
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sometimes I don’t know how the hell we’ve managed
to hold ourselves together in our ways
as I wrap my unbroken flesh in bandage
you were always pressing for a vein
sometimes I will break before you bend me
some days I can’t tell you what I want
but even when my heart is heaving empty
I still melt like a pill within your palm
sometimes you are held up by your anger
like ribbon through the hollows of your bones
and sometimes I am captain oleander
as I claim all that’s ever poisoned me my own
sometimes you’re here to walk me through the fire
sometimes I'm here to pull you back to earth
but even when we get what we desire
I'm still the one afraid of being burned
sometimes we tear each other, we don’t mind it
we’ll heal the wounds we’ve made the day before
‘cause we both know pain’s an ocean and an island
and dying’s gentler still than being born
so when I feel the fibers in us mending
I pray they come back stronger than the last
‘cause I don’t want to be your muscle memory
knowing that I'm just beyond your grasp
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10. |
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I'm a different kind of matter
and the universe will shatter
if you touch me
all my chemical offenses
bleed through past and present tenses
they come rushing
those scarlet letter platelets
bubble up to where my face is
catch me blushing
and you could look right through me
like I'm chardonnay and woozy
it could crush me
but maybe what I needed wasn’t in the vaccine
maybe I was showing symptoms I couldn’t see
maybe I was always s’posed to turn out to be
your anti, anti, anti, antI antibody
now I'm inside out and backwards
and you’ll catalyze disaster
if you touch me
it all goes viral in an instant
and you learn to keep your distance
you can trust me
something we can both agree on
skip the fever for the freon
and we’ll feel nothing
let the water boil in my skull
hold my tongue against a 9-volt
I feel nothing
maybe what I needed wasn’t in the vaccine
maybe I was showing symptoms I couldn’t see
maybe I was always s’posed to turn out to be
your anti, anti, anti, antI antibody
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